My Ayahuasca Journey: Just The Beginning

The view from our room.

We're back to life, back to reality - although, life seemed pretty damn real whilst away on the retreat this weekend. 

I managed to record my thoughts in this video of the first Ayahuasca ceremony, yet after the second and third I didn't feel it was right. 

Here's what happened on the first night:

I'm going to sum up what happened on the second night - no doubt there will be things missing but whatever flows through my clumsily typing fingers right now is obvs what I'm 'meant' to share. 

The second night was just as daunting as the first going into it. We were told that this brew would be stronger than the initial dose the night before and that the experience would be different. And it was. Something I'd learnt about Ayahuasca is that it is very helpful to go into the session with an 'intention' which could be a question you'd like the answer for or an enlightening inspiration you'd like to gain. 

For a few months I've been having problems with my digestive system, the medical doctors haven't done the best at discovering what it is so I decided to ask 'Mother Ayahuasca' how I can 'cure myself and be well' - that was the night's intention, one I kept at the forefront of my mind. 

After downing the mud-like substance we all laid quietly, at peace with our own thoughts until the effects started to kick in. And they definitely kicked in this night. 

With open eyes I was seeing flecks of energy, electricity flying about the room - knowing that these weren't just mindtricks or hallucinations, I knew these were actually present and that I'd travelled into a different level of consciousness, one which was able to see the real energy in the room. That was pretty cool, different colours, purples, pinks and blues - then the feelings started happening. 

I asked again - 'How can I cure myself?' and just as my internal dialogue completed that sentence I was taken on a visual journey through my body starting in my mouth and travelling the path down my throat just as a piece of food would, and what I saw wasn't great. I was struck with the intense feeling that the food/drink/smoke/air quality I am ingesting on a daily basis, mostly unconsciously was doing great harm to my body - the visuals flicked to a thought of taking my car into a petrol station and knowing that I would never intentionally fill it up with bad quality oil or petrol because that would harm the car and stop it from working! So why am I subconsciously eating, consuming things harmful to this wonderful machine we have called the human body? the junk food, the sugars, the smoke - why am I harming it? 

As I was coming to this realisation my attention shifted from thought to feeling. I felt the damage I had done to my body from these unconscious consumptions. I became completely conscious and mindful of my internal organs. I felt like they were coughing and spluttering. I felt that they are not operating at 100% capacity and I felt like they were dying. This feeling continued for at least 2 hours. I could sense my organs shutting down, my body was/is dying. I had no energy, I was weak, could hardly lift my own head, it truly gave me the sensation of my physical body dying and it was one of the scariest things I've ever experienced in my life, I was fighting the death of my body. 

During this whole time I felt incredibly nauseous, desperately wanting to be sick as I knew the benefits of 'purging', the relief it gave, but alas there was something stopping me from letting go enough. The resistance I had been shown in the pattern mentioned the previous night was still in play.

I went the whole night without being sick, had a few other visuals regarding energy/electricity, the occasional sentence would also play out in my mind - it was always in my own voice and always with such clarity, just one simple sentence which gave the solution to an issue I am currently experiencing in life. So simple that it made me think 'why have I not thought of this before!?' and after the effects started to quieten down I managed to get about 2 hours sleep.

Something this retreat done well was what they call 'Integration sessions' - a time during the following day, to reflect on the experience of the night before - we shared as a group and the trained Psychotherapists would shed some light on the sometimes confusing situations. I shared my story the following day and was informed that 'death' of old habits is a common experience during a session - the answer is to let it die, in order to create space for new ideas and habits, and although I had fought it for some time during the session I had eventually given in and let it go.

These sessions were incredibly powerful - not one person had the same experience during the Ayahuasca sessions, some were incredibly moved, others felt nothing at all - some visited alternate dimensions and realities and others were shown insights and answers in a more low-key way.

It was an incredibly emotional night that night, one that's going to stick with me for some time. The intensity of the realisations have definitely shifted my awareness somewhat and I know that the changes in life have only just begun.