Lost. That's the exact, to the point description of how I've been feeling for the past 12 months, void of passion, lacking direction and I have generally become a stranger to myself. A few years back I would have been described as 'incredibly driven', an individual who knew what she wanted and would work hard to obtain whatever goals I had placed on my to do list. I knew where I was going and even though I didn't know exactly how to get there I was comfortably confident that the path would open up before me should I work hard enough in right areas and remain focused just as it always did.
Even just using the word 'was', the past tense, hurts my heart a bit because it's a reminder that I am no longer that way. Not for now at least.
The left-sided brain of mine tells me that this simply will not and cannot continue forever, that it's a mere 'transition stage', I'm growing, I've turned 30, I'm developing. The right-side of my grey matter is screaming with uncomfort, full of creativity waiting to emerge but with no known output. It's like I have two sides living in the same head, in-fighting, and I can accurately describe it as outright exhausting.
I have become the type of person who I would previously seek help from me, I would inject them with positivity and uplifting quotes, with stories of how, no matter how down you feel, there is always, always something good to focus on. But now I understand, I know there is so much good in this world, so many great things in my life, yet for some reason, to focus on them seems almost impossible. Doctor's would perhaps label me as 'Depressed' and sure, if a label is what's necessary for me to be understood then I'll go with that for now but I refuse to be defined by this current state of mind I am experiencing. I am not my thoughts. I am determined to fully understand why I am where I am right now, and with understanding comes acceptance. Acceptance of my current state will enable me to grow. I know it, I just don't know how to live it right now.
I will not allow this to conquer me. I am a product of my previous thoughts and choices so I guess the first step is to become more conscious of my thoughts again, my life will be in my control once more.